In an earlier blog, I wrote about two wrong intuitions that we have about children that have yet to be given up despite scientific evidence against them. I was reminded of another powerful and wrong intuition about children on a recent lecture trip. It was just a few days before this past Halloween when I was scheduled to give a talk to parents in a wealthy suburb. The principal of the elementary school where I was to speak drove me to the venue. On the way she told me the following story. The kindergarten class was having a Halloween parade and each child was to bring their own costume. One kindergarten child, whose mother was a judge, was beside himself because he had no costume. The principal offered him one that she kept in reserve, but he refused, he wanted the one his mother had promised him. The child was so upset; the principal had no recourse but to call the mother. When she finally got through to her, the mother was annoyed and curtly said that the dressmaker had not got the costume ready in time and that he would just have to go without, she was too busy to deal with the matter. The child refused to participate in the kindergarten parade and sat sobbing in the principal’s office while his classmates paraded on the auditorium stage.

Among other things this illustrates a common wrong intuition about children, namely, that children are most like us in their thoughts, and least like us in their feelings. But the fact is that just the opposite is true: young children are most like us in their feelings and least like us in their thoughts. That is why it is so important to say, “Please, thank you, excuse me,” and “I am sorry” to young children when these expressions are called for. Even if the boy’s mother couldn’t provide a costume she could have spoken to him and told him how sorry she was about it. Treating children with good manners is a sign of respect and caring and is deeply appreciated. It has the added benefit that it encourages children to use good manners too.

The axiom that children are most like us in their feelings, least like us in their thoughts, lies behind the child-centered approach advocated by many child psychologists. The idea is that rather than approach problems rationally, we should approach them from the perspective of the child’s feelings. By recognizing and accepting a child’s emotions, we help them deal with these feelings in an adaptive way. A personal example may help illustrate the point. Early in my career, I ran a school for what I called curriculum disabled children, children who were of average or better ability but performing below the academic norm. We offered a program of one-to-one tutoring that gave the child a path to success in the public school.

One of these children, Ron, was very bright but quick to anger. Another child, by accident, knocked over a toothpick sculpture that Ron had worked on for a long time and was very proud of. Ron was very angry and picked up a chair and was going to use it to smash the guilty child against the wall. I got in front of him, held him in a dance position and said “Ron, would you like to waltz?” He was then furious with me. I told him “Ron I know you are angry and you have every right to be. I would sure be very mad if someone did that to me.”

When he calmed down a bit, I told him “It is okay to get angry when you have a reason to be, but it is how we handle our anger that counts. You need to express your anger in words and not by hitting.” He listened, but he was still very angry at me, so I wasn’t sure he was convinced. A week or so later, I stopped at his desk and said, “Ron, I have some good news for you, I am going to the dentist.” Without looking up at me he replied “I hope you have a thousand cavities!” I guess he had listened after all.

Wrong Intuitions (part 1)