One of most common strategies used by parents to deal with misbehavior in their children is to put them in a “time out.” This usually involves the child going to his or her room or sitting on a chair in a corner. Presumably the “time out” gives the child time to cool off, and to reflect on his or her behavior. Since the “time out” is a punishment the child will realize that to avoid time outs in the future, the punished behavior is to be avoided. Yet my friend, the late Otto Weininger, argued in his book "T.I.P.S. Time in Parenting Strategies" (1198) Binghamton, New York: esf publishers, that “time outs’’ seldom have the desired effects. He argues that children rarely if ever use the time out to reflect on their misbehavior. Indeed they may even use the time to plot ways of getting away with the behavior without being caught. Put differently, the “time out” is a treatment of symptoms not causes.

When a child is misbehaving it is usually out of anger, frustration, fear or some other emotion. The child most often is not fully aware of why or where these feelings come from, only that he or she is upset. What children need most at such times, according to Weininger, is a “time in” with a parent. Children have not fully differentiated their emotions one from the other. The child needs someone to help him or her identify and label the feelings that lead to the misbehavior. This done, parent and child can explore what people, or events brought on the feelings. In this way the child gains control over his or her emotions and insight as to what brings them on. What the child also learns is that his or her feelings are legitimate and it is not the feelings, but the associated behaviors that are at fault. In this way the child learns more adaptive ways to express feelings, for example, putting anger into words rather than into actions.

It is certainly true that there are occasions when a time out may be necessary. If you have several young children and one is acting up so that the others can’t be attended to, a time out may be in order. But on such occasions, it is important to recall Weininger’s thoughtful insight, namely, that "time outs are for parents, time ins are for children."