We usually think of adolescence as the age period during which young people seek to construct a sense of personal identity. Yet the search for a sense of personal identity begins much earlier. Indeed, we can see it at the age of two when the child acquires language and the ability to verbally identify himself or herself. In order to attain a beginning sense of self, the child may use the “no” as a way of asserting his or her will over and against the wishes of the parents. The German’s call this stage “Trotzalter” (the age of pride.) And the child does exhibit a sense of pride in defying the grown-ups who control his or her world.

The rebelliousness of the two-year-old is more than simply a way of separating himself or herself from others. It is also an effort at self control. Often the young child is saying “no” to impulses he or she would like to control. At this age the child is acquiring bladder control and is also being told not to engage in certain behaviors, like eating things off the ground. So the young child’s nay saying is both an attempt to define the self in opposition to others, but also an attempt to define the self against his or her own impulses.

We can handle the two-year-olds negativism most effectively if we don’t regard it as a personal attack. It makes little sense to reason with a two-year-old. For one thing he or she will be unable to follow the argument. More importantly, it is not a rational but an emotional issue and has to be handled as such. We need to accept and respect the child’s need for self definition, and for self control. And we have to appreciate that this is a difficult learning effort at which a child may not always succeed. One of the most effective strategies is to verbalize the situation for the child, “I see, Bobby doesn’t like peas and carrots. That’s okay, maybe the next time we have them you will feel differently.” Or, “I get it Lily, you really don’t like this yellow dress, lets try another.” By verbalizing and accepting the child’s rejection of food or clothing, we communicate that their effort at self definition has succeeded. This approach can often nip additional conflict in the bud.

Self definition with respect to others, and to our own impulses, is a life long process. We help our children most if we accept and facilitate this process when it first appears in the two-year-old. When we do this, our child learns that self definition is an ongoing effort and that it is not a disaster if it does not always succeed.