My wife has recently had shoulder surgery, which means that I have had to shoulder all of the household chores. I have been doing the cooking, shopping, washing, bed making etc. While deeply appreciative, my wife also can’t help herself from being critical of my efforts. With my cooking, the kitchen is in a mess, my shopping ends with me buying the wrong brands and sizes, sheets and towels aren’t folded properly, and the beds look sloppy. The experience took me back to when the children were young and I made an effort to help out. When I tried to give the baby a bath, the water was too hot or too cold. At that time we used cloth diapers and I never did get the hang of putting those on, and my wife was always afraid of me sticking the baby with the pin. Again, while she was appreciative of my good intentions, my actual efforts left quite a bit to be desired.

As a husband and father, I am sure I am not alone in being made to feel inept and incompetent when it comes to household and childrearing tasks. And I am also sure, that I, like most other husbands and fathers, I am not quite as incompetent and inept as I am made to feel. Like most men in my position, I can understand that my wife probably feels guilty that she is unable to keep the house running in the way that she feels it should be run. And when the children were young, my clumsy efforts to help, were probably also seen as an invasion of her territory, and also vindication of her motherly instinct that only she could properly take care of the baby.

This is what might be called the Dad’s Dilemma. When our children are young we want to help and indeed are told that we should help, and that we aren’t doing enough. But when we do help, we are often told we are not doing things properly or that we are doing them just plain wrong. We are dammed if we don’t and dammed if we do. Of course I don’t want to over-generalize, there are many fathers who are more able than mothers to care for the children and run the household. And some couples are able to share these tasks with comfort and mutual support. This said, I have also commiserated with other fathers, who like me, have been confronted with the Dad’s dilemma.

I must confess there is no easy or simple solution. We love our wives and our children, and we need to try and to continue to help when and where we can and take the criticism with patience and good humor. And I secretly console myself with the reassurance that, while there are many things my wife can do, that I can’t or can’t do well, there are also many things that I can do that she can’t. So there!