Our granddaughter Heather, who just turned five, now has a new baby sister, Nyla. Heather could not be happier. She loves to be around the baby and is always kissing her when she gets the chance. Her parents allow her help care for Nyla in ways that are age appropriate, and she can bring the new diaper to her parent when this is needed. Nonetheless there will be dark times when not all is sweetness and light. As Nyla grows older, becomes verbal and mobile, conflicts are inevitable. At some point Nyla, uninvited, will get into Heather’s toys, books, clothes or jewelry. Later she may want to tag along with Heather and her friends even though she will be too little to really play their games. So some conflict between siblings is quite normal and to be expected. At such times, and indeed, at all times of sibling conflict, the basic rule is to be an impartial judge and not take sides. While all sibling conflicts have a surface cause (using one another’s things, saying things that are hurtful, etc.) they also always have a deeper rationale.

Whenever siblings fight the underlying reason is to test the parents to see whose side they will take. All siblings want is to be first among equals, and to feel that the parents love them most of all. As parents, we have to be careful not to be taken in. For example, the younger child may often be the instigator, figuring that the parents will automatically blame the older child. The reverse can also be true. When I was young my older brother and I shared a bed. My brother wet the bed regularly but got up and put me, who was still sleeping, on the wet spot. When I found out, after not being allowed to drink anything for hours before bedtime, I hit him over the head with his guitar. While conflicts are inevitable we do have options as to how to handle them. So as not to play favorites it is important to first hear both sides of the story. Actually having each one tell his story tends to calm things down. If the stories don’t mesh, then it has to be a draw. If there has been some damage done, then both have to help repair it. Likewise for any punishment, like TV or computer deprivation. While it is hard to be impartial, making one child the pet, or favored one, is just asking for trouble. For some un-favored children, it sets a pattern of always trying to find ways to please the parent, or alternatively, ways to make them angry or miserable.

A useful strategy to deal with the deeper causes of sibling rivalry is to take each child on a regular outing with one or the other of the parents. In this way the child has one on one time with the parent and in this way, for a short time anyway, this gives them the feeling of being the favored one and averts some of the negative consequences of playing favorites. When children are raised in this way, they remain close and friendly when they marry and have their own families. And they will also have had a good model for dealing with sibling conflict.