On last Christmas Day, I suddenly heard my three-year-old grandniece, Raven, cry out, “it’s mine, and it’s mine!” Her older sister was teasing her by trying to put on one of a pair of slippers that had been given to Raven as a Christmas gift. Her sister still teasing her said, “you have to learn to share Raven.” What Raven’s sister, Stella Blue, did not appreciate, was how difficult a concept “sharing” is for a young child. For the preschool child, the boundaries of self and world are still fluid. When a young child is given a toy, or an article of clothing, it becomes part of the self. The young child is unwilling to share, not of selfishness, but rather, out of fear of losing part of the self. This is not, however, a phenomena unique to preschoolers. I have a friend who won’t let anyone get near his sports car, much less drive it. And we probably all have certain possessions that we treasure and regard as part of ourselves. The only difference is that, with preschoolers, they regard all of their possessions are part of the self.

I know that sharing is one of the social skills that young children are supposed to learn. And there are ways of teaching sharing that take into account the young child’s fragile sense of self. For example, suppose at a birthday party, Tony wants to play with Sarah’s truck. Sarah is unwilling for the reasons I have outlined above. But suppose you say to Sarah, “Sarah I am going to make little sign with your name on it and tie it with a little string to your truck.” If you then make the sign which might say, “Sarah’s truck” read the sign to both children and then attach it to the truck. Once this is done you might announce to all the children around, “See, this is Sarah’s truck, the sign says so. Now Sarah, can Tony play with your truck?” Under these circumstances, with the identity of the truck clearly established, Sarah may be more willing to share.

While I fully understand the desire to teach children to share, with my own children I have found that I often had to teach them the opposite. One of my sons had a friend who was always borrowing his things and returning them dirty, bent or broken. I finally had to say to him, “Bobby, you can’t lend Ralph any more of your toys, you know he always destroys them.” Sharing, like other social skills, has its limits.