Both my granddaughter and grandniece, often bring a friend along as company for a stay with us at the Cape. I am always interested to observe the friends behavior at the dinner table. Sometimes the friend will wait politely until everyone is served before picking up her knife or fork. When this happens I know that she will, at the end of the meal, politely ask to be excused from the table. A different friend, in contrast, will start to eat as soon as she is served and simply leave the table when she is done. I am tempted to say something to these young girls but don’t want to embarrass them and make them feel uncomfortable. And in the end, it is not the young girl’s fault if her parents have not taught her how to behave at the dinner table.

And good manners are more than a formality. Children should be taught to be polite, and to say “please,” “thank you,” “you are welcome,” and “I am sorry” when these are appropriate. Teaching young children good manners is important for it is the basis for all later moral behavior. When, at the dinner table, we wait for all to be served and seated before starting to eat, we are being considerate of others. The same is true when we use the words “please,” and “thank you,” and “excuse me.” Consideration of others is at the heart of all moral behavior starting from the golden rule of “do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Learning good manners as a child is the foundation for responsible moral behavior as an adult.

Children learn best through imitation. That is why it is so important for us as adults, to teach good manners by using them ourselves. As adults we tend to think that children are most like us in their thoughts and least like us in their feelings. In fact just the reverse is true. Children are most like us in their feelings and least like us in their thoughts. Children feel deeply hurt if we break a promise and fail to say, “I am really sorry.” They also feel badly when they are asked or told to do something without the adult using the words “please,” and “thank you” when the child has done what was asked. Using good manners with children has the added benefit of making children feel good about themselves and about us as well.

In our hurried and hurrying society where we eat 25% of our meals in our cars, table and other manners may seem dated and old fashioned. But manners, and the moral values they reflect, are not a fashion nor a trend, nor a luxury; they are what make us human.