As a teenager I recall dating a girl who always said, “Grind Me up a Pound” whenever I shifted gears in my old rattletrap of a car. Although she was an attractive young woman this language habit really turned me off. Without really thinking about it, we can also get into language habits with our children which may not only annoy them but give them mixed messages as to what we are trying to communicate. While the mixed message may be entirely in the language, it sometimes occurs because our behavior contradicts our words. A few examples may help illustrate the kind of double messages I have in mind.

One of the most frequent language habits is the one of saying “Okay” after we give a direction or a command. If we say, “We are going to bed now, Okay.” We are, in effect giving our child as to whether or not to accept our invitation. We shouldn’t be annoyed if the child decides he or she does not want to go to bed. Or take another example, “We gotta go now, Okay?” If our child does not seem to be in any hurry to get ready it is because it sounds as if we are giving him or her the option to go or to stay home. If we become conscious of such language habits it is easy to break them.

Another common verbal habit is to use the word nice as, “that isn’t nice.” “Nice” is kind of a wishy-washy word that doesn’t mean much to kids. When my granddaughter was two and she was picking her nose, I made a face and said “Gross” Heather. At six she still teases me by putting her finger to her nose to get my reaction. We need to use words which are clear and get our message across. Another wishy-washy word to avoid is “good” as in “Don’t do that, be good.” when we mean “stop teasing your brother.” The more specific and exact we are with our words, the better chance we have of getting our message across.

The other form of missed communication comes from not matching our body language with our words. If something frightening happens to alarm us, like an unexpected flash of lightning say, it doesn’t really help our child if we say, “Don’t be scared!” It is much more honest and reassuring to our child if we say something like, “That was really scary, wasn’t it.” Likewise if we are taking our child to meet a new baby sitter, or preschool teacher, it doesn’t help our child if we say, “Relax, honey, its okay” when we ourselves are a bit tense and on edge. If we say, “It sometimes is a little scary when we meet new people,” we match our body language to our words.

The words we use with young children are important not only to be clear in what we wish to communicate, but also in giving our children a model of meaningful language usage.