As a grandparent first, and a child psychologist second, I have learned to exercise a lot of self discipline. Please understand my wife and I are fortunate in having three thoughtful, considerate sons and three loving and caring daughter’s-in-law. They have given us four (extraordinary of course) grandchildren. Well aware of my feelings about hurrying and over-programming children, they do their best to resist the parental and societal pressures to push their children to grow up fast. And my wife and I do our best to reinforce their opposition to popular trends. We don’t buy our grandchildren many toys, and those we do buy leave plenty of room for creativity and imagination. For example, we have purchased large rocking horses and sandboxes for each of our grandchildren. In general we try to be supportive without being intrusive.

It is also true that we cannot control, nor can we advise, our grandchildren’s other grandparents. They are extremely well intentioned, but get caught up in the inflated advertising and buy all too many contemporary toys and gadgets for the children. These different approaches raise the whole issue of the grandparent’s role. Because we live longer today, many more children will know their grandparents and for longer periods, than ever before. For parents of young children this can be anything from a blessing to a curse. Some grandparents are very involved with their grandchildren and serve as baby sitters and all around temps when they are needed. At the other extreme are those grandparents who feel that they have raised their children, and that this is their time to relax and enjoy life. They may send cards and gifts, but otherwise stay uninvolved. Still other grandparents, and this is most often true for widowed or divorced grandparents, become intrusive and over involved in their children’s and grandchildren’s lives. Alternatively, some aging and ailing grandparents may put their children in the position of having to care for them in addition to rearing their own children.

So there are probably as many grandparent stories as there are grandparents. In the best of cases grandparents provide children with the unconditional love that may be difficult for parents who must, of necessity, be more demanding of achievement. But it is also true that some grandparents put more pressure on the grandchildren than do the parents. With grandparents, as with so much else in life, mothers and fathers have to take the bitter with the better. We know our children appreciate our non-intrusive approach, but they probably also worry that I am constantly evaluating their childrearing. They also appreciate the loving, and well meaning but over done, gift giving of the other grandparents.

Children are the ones who benefit the most from grandparents. That is why most parents should consider grandparents a plus, even when they are not all the parents would have wished, either for themselves or for their own children.