In their 1981/1991 book entitled Getting to Yes, Fisher, Ury, and Patten (Fisher 1981/1991) describe a number of negotiating strategies that can be used in many different situations. Although the book was written for adult negotiators, I believe many of the principles outlined in that book can work just as well for negotiations between parents and children. One of the most important of these is the idea that you must focus upon some general rule or principle in negotiating and avoid emotional arguments.

For example, some children are what might be called “persisters”, they keep repeating the same request and sometimes they may catch you off guard. A child may, for example, want something that other children have, a type of clothing or electronic gadget, which may be too expensive for the family budget, or something that you believe to be unnecessary or inappropriate for children of that age. The usual argument is that “Everybody else has one.” When I was young and pestered for something like this I was told, “Because everyone else jumps into the lake are you going to jump too, even if you can’t swim?”

The general rule here is simply, “In this family, we do not buy things unless we have the money to pay for them. There are a lot of things I would like to have too, but we can’t afford them.” There is no point to repeating this answer, or you might say, “You know what the rule is.”

With younger children, you can use a similar strategy, “Blocks are for building not for throwing.” In this way you are telling the child to stop a particular kind of behavior, by stating the rule rather than simply telling him or her not to engage in the activity.

The same general strategy can be used to deal with arguments between siblings. In this situation, it is important to begin by saying, “I want to hear both sides, without yelling, screaming or name calling. And you have to let the other person talk without interruption, and you will be offered the same courtesy.” Once both sides have had their say, it is time to look for a general rule or principle, rather than emotion that can handle the situation. If the argument is, say, over which TV program to watch, the principle might be that “each child gets to watch a program of his or her choice.” The problem then is to work out a schedule so each child gets to watch a favorite show. The important thing is to move the discussion from the personal (who is right and who is wrong, bad or good) to some objective practical solution.

Parenting involves a lot of negotiation. Learning a few basic negotiating strategies can help nip many arguments and conflicts in the bud.

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Fisher, R. U., William; Patten; Bruce (1981/1991). Getting to Yes. New York, Houghton, Mifflin.