In a recent Just Ask Baby parent forum post, a mother wrote that she was concerned that her baby was not walking when her friend’s baby, of equal age, was already doing so. This mother’s concern highlights a point we have tried to make in many of the Just Ask Baby segments. The point is that we are biological beings and that we grow according to different time frames, in large measure due to our heredity. Puberty is perhaps the best example because it is so obvious. Some young people attain puberty (including sexual maturation and growth spurts in height and weight) at eleven, some at twelve, some at thirteen, some at fourteen, and some even later. All adolescents attain puberty, but they get there at different rates. So if your baby is healthy he or she will craw, walk, or talk when their biological time clock tells them they have the muscle power and motor control to do so. It is also important to add, that some babies focus on talking to the exclusion of walking while the reverse is true for other infants. Most children even up their development on their own, without special help or training.

This mother’s comment illustrates another point that we have tried to emphasize on Just Ask Baby, namely, the risk of comparisons. We all want our children to do well, but the only measures of how well they are doing are the developmental norms such as those offered in our Stepping Stones. While such markers of development are useful, they are just averages and fail to convey the normal range of variation for milestones such as crawling, talking and walking. And this normal range of variation can be a few months on either side of the modal age. So the normative ages must be taken as suggestions only. Most importantly, for healthy babies these milestone differences are no longer apparent by the time the children are three or four. The analogy with puberty is again apropos. Once they are into their twenties, it is almost impossible to tell who was a late, and who was an early maturer. Comparisons are not only misleading, they are also risky. If we raise unnecessary concerns this may negatively impact the ways we react to, and treat our children.

One strategy to turn comparison into a healthy practice is to compare the child with himself of herself. On our garden shed, we mark our granddaughter Lily’s height every time she comes to visit. Children love such markers of their progress and we should use these in our evaluation of the child. Attending to, and commenting, upon a child’s stepping stone progress keeps us focused on the child’s own rate of development and avoids harmful comparisons. It also helps to teach the child to compete with himself or herself while encouraging cooperation with others.