A number of years ago, Israeli psychologist Haim Ginott published a book entitled Between Parent and Child.(Ginott 2003) He became a popular figure on talk shows and his book was a best seller. His students, Adele Faber and Elaine Maizlish followed up with even more successful best seller How to talk so your Kids will listen and How to listen so Your Kids Will Talk.(Faber 1999) I was reminded of these books when I was at the pier in Hyannis on Cape Cod. A mother and her three small children were walking along the pier, and the youngest—two or three at most—kept going dangerously close to the edge. To dissuade him, his mother said, “Don’t go so near the edge, if you fall in there is big fish in there that will swallow you up.”

One of the points that Ginott made, that was echoed by Faber and Maizlish, is that threats usually don’t work because the child senses that they are phony or that the parent won’t follow through or takes the parent seriously and becomes frightened and fearful. What these authors suggest is that in such situations, you simply leave the field and do not put temptation in the child’s way. In the home if you do not want a young child to climb up the stairs, it makes sense to put up a gate, rather than to try and impede the child’s impulse with words.

But Ginott also emphasized that the words we use with children are important. He and his students suggest that parents try and respond to the child’s feelings rather than to logic. If a child is angry, a parent might say, “I know you are angry and that is okay, I would be too if someone did that to me.” Or, if the child is sad or unhappy for some reason, a parent might say, “It seems to me you are very unhappy about something, do you want to talk about it?” In addition, when correcting children these author’s suggest using “I” rather than “you” messages. Instead of, “you never pick up your dirty clothes,” you might say, “It really makes extra work for me when I have to pick up your dirty clothes.” Rather than attack the child, this approach helps him or her to learn that their actions have consequences.

Another important point that Ginott makes is that “love is not enough.” By this he means that loving a child does not preclude discipline but rather demands it. If we really love a child then we show this love by helping that child become a responsible social being. We do this not only by setting limits, but also by demonstrating in our own behavior, the example we would like him or her to follow.

Obviously, the Ginott approach does not always work with all children, but its widespread continued acceptance and use by parents makes clear that this is one of the most effective and child friendly approaches to childrearing and discipline.

--------------
Faber, A.: Mazlish, Elaine (1999). How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk. New York, Collins Living.

Ginott, H. (2003). Between Parent and Child. New York, Three Rivers Press.