The meaning of family has changed significantly over the past sixty or so years. Up until recently the family referred to the nuclear unit of mother father and children. With new attitudes towards sexuality, marriage and divorce, the term family in the old sense is no longer applicable. Once a rarity, today divorce and remarriage are, if not the rule, are quite commonplace. In many of these new partnerships, couples remarriages brings children from their previous marriage into the new family arrangement. This new family configuration presents a number of issues for both parents and children. The issues are not insurmountable but take a lot of work to be successfully managed.

Obviously every blended family is different in terms of the number, age and sex of the children and the living and custody arrangements.

Yet there are certain basic rules that parents in blended families need to follow to make the arrangement a success.

1. First and foremost it is important not to disagree in front of the children. Disagreements need to be worked out in private. This is true because it is very tempting to blame the other spouse’s child for causing any difficulty, or for not disciplining his or her own child in the way that the stepchild is disciplined. If children are privy to these disagreements, it could cement their own prejudices, justified or not. From the children’s point of view, they are being made to live together with near strangers and may feel that they are being replaced, rather than added to. Hearing conflicts about discipline and other matters can only add to these feelings and lead to inordinate demands for attention and affection.

2. Another basic rule is to avoid any disparaging remarks about the children’s natural parents. Early on, the new parents have to affirm their respect for the birth parents but also affirm the respect due to the stepparents. And the stepparents need to back each other up when they hear the not uncommon, “You are not my mother, or my father.” A stepparent might answer, “That is certainly true, but I am trying as hard as I can to be a loving, caring and responsible stepparent.” If the parents make it clear that the birth parents are valued as is their relationship with their children, this helps children deal with their conflicts in loyalty between birth and stepparents.

3. It is also important to realize that children need some private time with their birth parents. The father might take his daughter to the movies while the mother might go to a son’s hockey game. This helps the child to appreciate that the stepparent is not trying to come between the child and his or her birth parent.

4. Finally, outings for the entire blended family are also very much in order. If the other rules are followed this paves the way for a healthy acceptance of the stepparent that does not make them feel they are being disloyal to the absent natural parent.

Blended families are a fact of life in contemporary society. Such families present serious challenges to successful childrearing. But if these challenges are met, the blended family can also provide the children with invaluable social learning experiences.